The absolutely postively last attempt August 15, 2010

I just sent the email to my friend to say I can’t go. Gutted. I’ve been living and breathing options – mixed in with my 5 year old’s birthday and him starting school, my 3 year old’s birthday and him starting kindy; and my birthday which….

Not only would it be incredible to be at Alan’s wedding and see my friend marry the woman who i knew was going to be his wife the moment I spent 1 minute in their company. I drunkenly said to him – “Give me notice when you propose so I can come”. He gave me quite a lot of notice but none of my plans have come off.

I even thought about a loan shark. I’m a chartered accountant’s daughter: I can’t do it.

However at a party on Saturday I heard about this website:

https://www.airpointsfairy.co.nz/#/Make-a-Wish/

I’m still clapping tinkerbell.

Good news/Bad news August 13, 2010

The good news is that I have sent off my passport and should receive it back in time.

The bad news is that there is basically no chance of going

I am still buying the $2.40 lotto ticket each week…..

I will shave your company name into my head July 10, 2010

$5000 NZdollars

I am this keen July 8, 2010

I’m thinking of putting an ad advertising my services in helping with taking children on a flight to the UK in exchange for my flight.

It would be worth it.

It would have to be.

In a previous life – which almost always started with a takeaway coffee July 6, 2010

In a previous life – where occasionally I would get up at 5pm and go out til 5am – the working week would involve long working hours, if it is possible – okay it’s not, almost more social hours and little sleep; I wrote and occasionally acted for a living.

In this life I came up with an idea for Flight of the Conchords episode – semi-original -I think there is one where Bret is asked to leave. But not for this reason.

Anyway I’m working away at my 3 plans to get to Scotland for my friend’s wedding. After the lotto drunken confusion I am reluctant to report so I am posting my – unsolicited and unsent – writing instead.

CHANGE

by Rochelle Savage

SCENE ONE: INT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB
BRET AND JEMAINE ARE PERORMING TO A PACKED NIGHTCLUB.

BRET and JEMAINE

If a dog is man’s best friend
Why doesn’t he
Lend him some cash?
That’s what a friend would do
Instead he just gives him
Poo

BRET

Oh and fleas

JEMAINE

Yeah fleas – I wouldn’t be impressed if a friend gave me fleas

CUT TO

SCENE TWO: INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE

MURRAY
Okay guys – the results of the market research from last night’s show is in. Remember you agreed to agree to everything we found out.

PAUSE

No more animal songs. People like animals. Most people like animals more their partners, parents and children. Combined.

JEMAINE
Does that include our eating animals song?

MURRAY
Yes

PAUSE

One more brief point – Bret the audience felt that they would prefer….a woman instead. So Bret I’m sorry about that.

JEMAINE SHRUGS APOLOGETICALLY. BRET GETS UP AND LEAVES.

MURRAY
Bret – wait.

BRET COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM.

MURRAY
Your t-shirt.

BRET LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS BAND MEMBER T-SHIRT.

MURRAY
Sorry – I only printed two.

BRET TAKES OFF HIS T-SHIRT. HE HANDS IT TO MURRAY. HE THEN TAKES IT BACK, FOLDS IT AND HANDS IT BACK.

SCENE THREE: INT. NIGHT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S FLAT. THE KITCHEN

JEMAINE IS MAKING A SALAD – HE IS LOOKING AT A BOOK WHICH SHOWS HOW TO CUT TOMATOES, RADISHES AND EGGS INTO INTERESTING SHAPES.

BRET ENTERS.

JEMAINE
How was your day?

BRET
Yeah, not too bad. You?

JEMAINE
It was okay.

BRET HEADS TOWARDS THE BEDROOM.

JEMAINE
Bret

BRET COMES BACK.

BRET
Yes

JEMAINE
Do you like radishes?

JEMAINE IS HOLDING UP A RADISH CUT INTO A FLOWER.

BRET
Not really.

JEMAINE
Yeah, me neither.

BRET LEAVES. JEMAINE IS IN THE SALAD BOWL – MUSIC VIDEO STYLE.

JEMAINE

She was like a radish
Hot – with green hair
I was like a lettuce
Kind of bland
But always there

Our love wilted
In the heat of the sun
I suggested Tupperware
She began to run

BRET(from the bedroom)
Run….run….

JEMAINE
Bret – is that you?

BRET(from the bedroom)
No

JEMAINE
Okay

SCENE FOUR: INT. DAY. MURRAY’S OFFICE.

MURRAY
So what do you think?

JEMAINE

Meanie.

MURRAY FILLS IN HIS CROSSWORD.

MURRAY
Perfect fit.
Okay – the blocking of light by one heavenly body by another.

JEMAINE
What about Bret?

MURRAY
It’s seven letters Jemaine.

JEMAINE
I think we should call him.

MURRAY
Is that’s what’s best for the band Jemaine?

CUT TO:

SCENE FIVE: INT. DAY. URINAL.
BRET IS IN ACTION. HIS PHONE RINGS – I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU PLAYS. HE IGNORES IT. HE STARTS GETTING LOOKS. HE ANSWERS IT.

MURRAY
Bret

BRET
(PUTTING ON A DEEP VOICE)He’s busy at the moment.

MURRAY
Could you please tell him that Jemaine and I have talked and we’d like to offer him -

SCENE SIX: INT. DAY. MURRAY’S OFFICE.
BRET HAS OBVIOUSLY RUN OVER.

MURRAY
Bret – we’d like to offer you a job as a consultant.

BRET
A consultant?

MURRAY
Yes, to find the best woman for the job.

BRET LEAVES.

MURRAY
Bret.

BRET POKES HIS HEAD ROUND THE CORNER.

MURRAY
You’re flying low Bret.

JEMAINE NODS HIS HEAD. BRET SHAKES HIS HEAD, ZIPS UP AND LEAVES.

SCENE SEVEN: INT. LATER THAT DAY. THE POND IN CENTRAL PARK.
MEL AND BRET ARE FEEDING THE DUCKS.

MEL
Sometimes when ducks are having sex-

BRET
Mel, ducks don’t have sex – they mate.

MEL
Sometimes when ducks are having sex the male duck drowns the female duck if he takes too long.

BRET
What an option.

MEL
You don’t like animals do you Bret.

BRET
I do.

MEL
I mean even your band’s name – a concord isn’t an animal.

BRET
No flies on you Mel.

MEL
Bret I think there’s something wrong with you?

Not looking now….. July 6, 2010

I recently entered a competition where there was 1 free return international flight to the UK. I was convinced I would win. It would drawn the day before my birthday. A pretty compelling Wednesday night movie plot if ever I saw one.

I’m so unrealistically optimistic when it comes to competitions. I once scrambled through the rubbish bins one summer when I was working at the hydro slide to collect all the Trumpet competition lids. After collecting over 70 I had already convinced myself I would win. I was going to pay off my student loan, throw a party. In that order. I’ve always been a little bit sensible.
Not content with just one stimulating school holiday job I also worked at Cobb and Co and had to sing happy birthday to everyone having a birthday.

Everyone who went there was having a birthday.

I’ve won lotto July 4, 2010

I need to doublecheck as I checked last night when I got home – slightly drunk – from a dinner party.

I should point that I haven’t won 1st division.

I have won 5th division. I think it’s $53.

Bad idea number 4 June 28, 2010

On the up side it involves no nudity.

I found a yam which is shaped like a loveheart. Trade me?

I wish it looked like a deity.

Is my life a play? June 28, 2010

I co-wrote a play about a woman heading off overseas who nearly doesn’t (this is a small part not the dramatic climax of it) as her passport has expired.

Best get on to sorting it.

Art imitating life or just a bit useless?

Is it possible to go backwards in a quest? Before you’ve even begun?

Situation Scotland before September 4th: -$150

Could I be a Wednesday night movie? June 28, 2010

I’ve been feeling inspired by the All Whites performance at the Soccer – sorry Football – World Cup. As much as my American friends complain – and rightly so – that it can be boring to watch a game that ends in a nil all draw; how inspring is it that a team ranked 78th in the world can finish ahead of the world champions (Itlay).

So proud! Especially when all we were wishing for was ‘please don’t embarrass us’.

The All Whites finished undefeated (3 draws) but didn’t make it through to the next round. In terms of my life however maybe it doesn’t bode that well in terms of trying to get to Scotland. Undefeated but she didn’t make it to the next round.